We were in the scorching hot sun trudging over to the towering milo truck to grab a drink as it was sports day and everyone was having the time of their lives cheering the fervent participants on the track on as they were running a race which seemed to grab everyone's attention on the stands where there was a magnificent bird's eye view of the incredible events that were happening on the track which was the most electrifying race of eight runners competing and it was an extremely close fight but suddenly the runner in lane four tumbled to the ground with crash and everyone gasped and stared in horror as all the runners continued to dash to the finish line with all their might except one who stopped running and turned around to help the injured fellow who was lying flat on the red rough track
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Gerald, I like that you provide a panoramic view here of this race event, going from the concessions area to the audience to the track itself. There are also some nice specific phrases here, although I think you could use even more.
ReplyDeleteHowever, you haven't written this as one sentence; it's actually six sentences with the full stops taken out, which means that it reads as uneven and jerky. Please rewrite this as one sentence (and you are free to use as many conjunctions as you need to).